Compersion: Using Jealousy
as a Path to Unconditional Love
(Book exerpt)
by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D

Jealousy and the soul
A jealous person is often reacting to the soul’s awareness that bonding with your beloved is incomplete. Ego may not be conscious of this gap but the soul always knows the truth. The soul has no secrets from itself. And no judgments either.

When the soul sees that the beloved is not open to merging, whatever he or she may say to the contrary, fear threatens to overwhelm the ego. When the soul sees that you yourself resist the call to union, whatever the official status of your relationship, the soul knows you’re on shaky ground.

If, on the other hand, you are solidly grounded in the knowledge of your unconditional love for one another, any stirring of jealousy quickly dissolves in the light of the eternal bond between you. Nothing can shake a bond like this, not death, not separation, and certainly not another human’s genitals.

If jealousy instructs you to go deeper, simply do so. If you encounter resistance, meet it with clear sight instead of striking out blindly in jealous rage.

Jealousy stops the flow of life
Jealousy always conjures up the worst case scenario: The loss of your beloved. Most often, this is a false alarm. But if you can calmly accept the worst, everything else can be handled with grace. Jealousy tempts us to resist the flow of life, to say NO to change. Like a brush with death, jealousy brings us face to face with the unpredictable nature of life.

Suddenly, the future looks uncertain. Jealousy says clamp down, hold on for dear life. Stop that current, lock that gate. But resistance only causes pain. Instead, let go. What is yours will flow back to you.

Remember that the emptiness we experience when a lover leaves comes from the void, the hole, which is left in the fabric of your life. The tracks of a passion obscured by the mists of time. Yes, you may dread facing the void. But this void can make space for other lovers, other loved ones, each more delightful than the last. Stay open to the flow of life. Keep moving the energy and it will move you beyond need and into encounter with your destiny.

Jealousy and projection
Jealousy is so often a cloak, hiding your joy beneath it. Easy to miss out if you run away screaming. Easy to miss out if you avert your eyes instead of facing it. Facing the jealousy which is a projection of your deepest fears, brightly lit against the movie screen of your life for your viewing pleasure.

It doesn't really matter whether the danger lies within or without, whether it's imaginary or objectively so. The perception of danger has the same effect whatever its source.

The point is really this: if there were no jealousy within you to be triggered, you could not respond with jealousy. It's ok. We all have it. But do not make the mistake of blaming your beloved when the dragon lies within you. Instead, ask yourself: Is my jealousy really envy? Have you denied yourself the freedom to love another in order to rescue your beloved or safeguard your relationship? Do you now resent your partner's freedom because you have sacrificed your own? Are you accusing your partner of abandoning you when you are the one who is pulling away.

Jealousy can be a turn on
Part of jealousy is the sexual arousal that naturally arises when we imagine our beloved making love -- no matter if it's with someone else. It is the intensity of this sexual current which gives jealousy its dangerous passion

When jealousy surges, turn this passion to good use. Give yourself permission to feel sexually excited. Let this be an opportunity to build the energy and circulate it within you rather than immediately seeking to discharge it by making love with your beloved

When you have mastered the art of circulating your sexual energy and can handle really high voltage arousal, ask your beloved to tell you about hir erotic encounters with others. Better yet, ask if you can watch. When the time is right, use conscious touch to transmit your fire to your beloved and feel hir melt in your arms. Thus, the circle is closed.

Jealousy means you are not honoring your beloved
It is the unexpressed and unacknowledged deep emotions which provide a fertile ground in which jealousy can grow.

Perhaps you deceive yourself about how important a place your beloved occupies in your heart, in your soul, in your life. Perhaps you mistakenly believe that denying hir true worth will keep jealousy at bay. If you are not letting yourself, not to mention your beloved, know just how big your love is then jealousy may come and prod you to speak up.

Suddenly, the prospect of losing hir makes you aware of the value you have denied. Let this be your cue to open the channels of communication and let hir know of your discovery. Let this be your cue to begin showing your affection. Now bow down in worship.